I’ve encountered many individuals—people I once called “ex-gays”—who, after experiencing the goodness of Jesus, ultimately returned to a homosexual lifestyle. It’s a painful pattern, and today I want to share my thoughts on why this happens, the challenges we face, and how we can guard our hearts while supporting one another.
1. The Struggle of Returning to a Familiar Lifestyle
I’ve seen it too many times: believers, once on fire for Christ, eventually falling back into the lifestyle they’d once left behind. They taste and see the world’s pleasures—boyfriends, girlfriends, and the familiar culture—and suddenly, it all seems so easy. But I can’t help but wonder, why would someone walk away from a life transformed by Jesus to return to something that ultimately leaves them feeling empty?
2. Loneliness: A Deep and Personal Battle
One of the most significant reasons many ex-gay Christians falter is loneliness. I’ve talked with so many same-sex attracted believers who feel isolated—even when they’re in church. I’ve been in seasons where I felt utterly alone, thinking I was destined to walk this journey by myself. The fear of perpetual loneliness is powerful. That fear often tempts us to seek solace in the very lifestyle we vowed to leave behind. But I want to remind you: even in your deepest loneliness, you are never truly alone. God is always with you, and He calls us to lean into His comfort and community.
3. The Lack of Genuine Support in the Church
I’ve been disappointed by the lack of empathy and understanding I’ve witnessed in many church settings. Too often, believers struggling with same-sex attraction are met with judgment or dismissed outright. The absence of safe spaces and supportive groups creates an environment where it’s easy to feel rejected—not by God, but by those who should be our spiritual family. I’ve seen how a genuine support system can make all the difference. When we neglect our duty to walk alongside those who are hurting, we not only lose a chance to minister love, but we also risk pushing someone back into a lifestyle that leaves them unfulfilled.
4. The Battle Against Deception and Self-Doubt
There are moments when guilt, shame, and self-doubt creep in. After a misstep or a moment of weakness, it’s easy to believe that God no longer loves you or that your identity as His child is in jeopardy. I’ve heard stories—stories that have broken my heart—where individuals believe their mistakes define them. Let me be clear: our mistakes are not who we are. They are moments of selfishness or pride. Our identity is secure in Christ. When you feel deceived by your emotions, remember that God’s truth remains constant, even when you stray.
5. Guarding Our Hearts and Moving Forward
In my own journey, I’ve learned that protecting ourselves is crucial. It means not only resisting temptation but also actively seeking a supportive community. I encourage every believer to look for genuine relationships—friends, mentors, and church communities—that help you stay accountable and encourage spiritual growth. Prayer has been a powerful tool for me. I pray for discernment, for strength, and especially for the ability not to be deceived by temporary feelings or external pressures. Even when the world’s message says that we’re meant to be paired up, know that God has a unique and purposeful plan for each of us.
Conclusion: A Call for Compassion and Community
I share all of this not to cast judgment but to invite conversation and genuine care. If you’ve struggled with these issues, know that your journey is important. Your identity is not defined by your past or by the mistakes you’ve made—it’s defined by the love and grace of God. I also call on churches and believers to open their hearts wider. Let’s create safe spaces for honest conversations and support, so that no one feels compelled to return to a lifestyle that leaves them hurting.
Thank you for reading, for listening, and for walking this journey with me. Together, let’s strive to support one another as we follow Jesus, even when the road gets tough.
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